MY LIFE: LOVE OR HATE?

I love my life. Then I hate my life.

I see the limitless potentials. Then I see not beyond the tip of my nose.

I laugh till my ribs hurt. Then I grieve till my heart weeps.

I glow in the adoration of friends. Then I cringe at the familiarity it exposes.

I run to be free Then I stop! – in search of captivity.

I seek for camaraderie. Then I despair because it is incommodious.

I get frenzied by the dawn of a new day. Then I become frozen by the failure it conveys.

I get excited by the blessing of great health. Then I get terrified by the recklessness of great wealth.

I get uplifted by the propriety of man. Then I get confounded by the evil my heart is capable of.

I love to love. Then I hate the love.

Why is my life such a bundle of contradictions? Why is my life such a love-hate absurdity?

I guess my life Just like your life Or his life Or her life is a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Full of ups and downs Stratospheric highs and cataclysmic lows And the periods of mild lunacy in between.

But this is what I’ve learned: To treat every one I meet in this life Like they would be the source of my endless happiness.

To enjoy greatly the high and to limit the despondency of the lows.

To live today like this is all I’ve been pledged. To  see tomorrow as that which would never come.

For only then would I truly treasure the here and the now.

And use my today as the pathway to my hereafter.

To live this one life with reckless abandon.  And to accept that regret does not make the best nostalgia.

I love you, but you had to go. I am at peace. I love my life.  Femi Ajetunmobi. ©2009.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein.

Typical battle of ‘this’ Head and Heart..

This was actually written months ago and was posted on my FB rofile. I decided to publish it here too… Enjoy my head and heart argue!!

Head: …arrrgghhh jeez, what are you doing?!

Heart: I’m falling in love!

Head: Again?!

Heart: Yes again!

Head: Do you ever learn??

Heart: Seems like I can’t ever when it comes to you!

Head: You can’t afford this, you know the usual outcome.

Heart: I can’t help not falling in love.

Head: Not with this one and you know it girl, not with this very one, you will break again…OMG.

Heart: I am hoping this one is for real, different. I am hoping this is it.

Head: You always hope, remember the last one? And the one before him, and even the one before,? Learn please, honey, learn…

Heart: You are my twin, my other half, and I appreciate your concern but this is my call, and though it seems stupid to you, I am hanging on and holding on to this one.

Head: FOOL FOOL FOOL, that is why you come all crashed and battered back to me ‘cause you never allow me make the call. Jeez, use me, your common sense and I will tell you, never to love again, never to let any man see you vulnerable again, never to give in to their lies and deceits and pretenses.

Heart: Sometimes I try to feel you, understand you, but you still are wrong. I have a very short memory, ‘was made that way. Yes, all these happen but the memories of it are very vague, so I have nothing negative to hold on to. All I see is the beauty of this union, the peace that comes with being in his arms. The pleasure of having a trusted friend and companion. I need you to understand me and see things my way too. Thoughts of him make me most happy, allow me this. I love him.

Head: Sob! Sob!! What can I do? What more can I say?! God watch over her for me, this weakness of hers gets to me, but I really want her to be happy. I know this isn’t good for her but I give up and leave her in Your hands, protect her and please let this be for real.

Heart: Heheheheheee, thank you.

Head: Personally I know that finding a good man is like finding a needle in a hay sack. Not to say there are none but one would grow gray hairs finding one. I mean, they are semi wiped out, almost gone with dad’s generation…

Heart: …how can you think like that?! I don’t believe you. There are as many decent sweeties now as there were in grand pa’s days not to talk of dad’s. This type of feeling that you get…

Head: SHUT UP! I don’t feel, I rationalize and simple logic says if you tried the first time and it fails, tried the second time and it fails, tried the third time and it fails, when you try the fourth time, figure it out THICKIE, you are bound to fail.

Heart: Stop that, you are making me feel bad.

Head: That’s the whole idea. I need you to see it my way. You will get hurt, and I don’t want that.

Heart: I am willing to take the risk. I was born to love and love I will. I have chosen him, I love him. Ever seen or heard this?? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTjw-XMNPuA

Head: I wish you well, I’ll be here waiting.

Heart: What does she know?!

Jungle Justice

Its 4:02am. I am jolted from sleep by the noise coming from outside my window, and I am certain a robber has been caught. Another robber. What comes to mind immediately is ‘burn him’. ‘Burn him?’ my head says to my heart and I am wondering when I became this inhuman. Aren’t all accused supposed to be tried and fairly too before judgment is passed?? Isn’t everyone entitled to a fair trial any more??

26th Dec. 2008, my phones where stolen, picked right off my bed. I am one to have all all my gadgets: phones, Ipod, laptop, digital clock, all the works beside me at all times and when I go to bed, they go with me. Luckily for me, on this day, my lappy was at a friend’s but I had all else beside me including my purse. I had just gone to bed, it was barely 2 a.m. My family was spending the Christmas holiday in Abuja so I was home alone with my cousin Albert. About 30mins after retiring to bed I awakened with the beam of a touch light in my face, my brain wouldn’t accept what was going on, the light from the touch blinded me and all I could see was a stick poking me and dragging my phones. I started shouting- Albert what are you doing behind my window?’ ‘Why are u dragging my phones through the window?’ It was when ‘Albert’ didn’t utter a word that it occurred to me that that wasn’t Albert at all. Reality set in, I was being robbed so I ran out of the room.

That was it, the robber was gone, gone with my belongings, one of them a week old pretty Samsung Phone.I felt bad, real bad, mad, raped. I burst into tears and was choking on it out of anger and pain and fear. I was angry and pained this was done to me in the supposed safest place in the world. My room, in my father’s house. Nothing beats the feeling of insecurity this experience left me with. I Just summoned the courage about 2 months to go to start sleeping in my room again. Since then, I have had a special dislike for robbers, especially the sort that prowl my neighborhood every night. Keeping people alert when they should be resting after a hard day’s labor I couldn’t imagine I was not safe even in my own fathers house and felt this overwhelming hatred for whoever had the guts to rob me. At that instance I would have killed the robber. It is the closest I have had to any robbery and it is enough for me. Nothing beats that crazy feeling of fear. The feeling of ‘kill him’ that quickly comes to mind is inspired by the anger and bereavement I felt at the thought of my properties being lost to a greedy, lazy, wicked person, but my head asks- is this right??

Jungle Justice. This isn’t a word per say and doesn’t have a definite definition but its a form of punishment. Jungle justice is usually if not at all times met out by an angry mob, usually who have passed their own judgment on an offender based on some certain codes of conducts of conducts or standard of morality. This brings me to what Punishment is and the different schools of thoughts on punishment. I know this feels like some kind of thesis!!

Punishment is defined as a penalty inflicted for an offense, fault, etc and there are 2 schools of thoughts: Utilitarianism and Retributivism. The Utilitarians believe that in punishing wrong doers, no one concentrates on the fact that a man has done wrong in his past, or punishes him on that account, unless taking blind vengeance like a beast. No, punishment is not inflicted by a rational man for the sake of the crime that has been committed(afterall one cannot undo the past) but for the sake of the future, to prevent either the same man or by spectacle of his punishment someone else from doing wrong again. At all events, the punishment is inflicted as a deterrent.

The Retributivists on the other hand goes against what the utilitarians believe, claiming Utilitarians are just using humans as a means to an end which in itself is wrong. The retributivists says punishment is justifiable on the premise that an offender must be made to pay for his crimes, building on slogans like “an eye for an eye”, what ever evil a man sows must also be reaped by him”, “the unjust will not go unpunished”. The retributivists see punishment as a ‘right’. They claim it is the right of the offender to be punished accordingly. They go further to say its a bit dicey tho to inflict punishment as what is the measure of punishment for a crime. What value is used to measure punishments for certain crimes?? At this juncture, I bring in the issue of jungle justice again. You find a man who has stolen chicken in village setting been beaten and battered. There have also been cases of pick pockets at bus stops being burnt to death and I ask- is such a crime commensurate with the punishment??

I support the Retributivist’s school of thought. I believe that for every action there is a reaction and man should be liable for the actions. He should be responsible for every action he takes and take the consequences of his actions. however I am not sure I subscribe to Jungle Justice. i am not sure I can go ahead and chant the ‘kill him’ when it comes to the ‘nitty griity’ of it.

Above are pictures of Jungle Justice being served to offenders. Looking at the pictures alone, I just want to scream stop it, please let them go…. and turn to the offenders, beg them and implore them not to commit such crimes again.

God help us all.

My unabashed apology and love letter…

I wasn’t too sure what to do to this post, but I was sure I wasn’t going to delete it. So here goes the editing!! This is history. Sad, but poof.

“Baby,

My heart, my lover, the one that makes my heart beat, the only one I dream about right now and means the whole world to me…

Errmm…honestly, I dnt know how to go about this…truth is I miss you. I am not goin to say sorry. ‘Cos I am not sorry, rather, you are tired of hearing me say ‘I am sorry’, so i will skip that…

I want you to know I appreciate you. I want you to know that yes, I recognize, accept and take responsibility for taking you for granted. You have been nice, caring, good, but my insecurity has caused me to push you away and caused me to loose you…and it breaks my heart to pieces. I know I have always wanted the perfect man, I know I have always believed I am the best thing to happen to any man when indeed my flaws are numerous and actually starring people in the face. Now I know better.

I know I have hurt you. I know I hurt you. I know it took a whole lot to bring you out of your shell, and now all I have done is turn around to do all the things I said I wouldn’t do.

I have happiness in and with you. My time with you has been very sweet and fulfilling, I don’t want to loose you, I am most scared to loose you…these last days have been crazy for me and you know it. Baby, heartthrob, lover, bestfriend, ‘obi’m', sweetie pie, honey-bum,  I am sorry and I wont give you drama again.

I will believe all that you say, I will trust you- for what is a relationship without trust anyway?? I will accept you for you. Its taking a lot from me to understand that you can’t be perfect, but now I have accepted fully that you are not perfect. You are you, only human, like me, with flaws et al.

I am sorry as well for trying to get at my past through you. I know I keep blaming it on a certain past and that is so annoying, seeming like I won’t ever grow and stop the ‘scroin scroin’…but I am willing and have actually let go(in Jesus’ name) of my past. I will bury my fears, insecurities and distrust in the hope that we will get through this together…

I can’t call you, can’t email you, can’t try to chat you up ‘cos I dread what I will hear. I fear the rejection that I am certain is to come…

For all its worth, for all its ever worth, I am sorry, sorry cos this relationship means so much to me…so I am laying down all of my pride, arrogance, ego, shakara, name it, to say: Talk to me, I am tired. Pleeaase I don’t know how else to tell you, that is why I am coming to the World Wide Web to say this to you…

I LOVE YOU, and deeply too…“

This relationship ended, but i have decided to let this post stay.

Men

I am struggling with the words that will help me express my thoughts and feeling adequately in this post. I hope I am able to paint the picture properly and pass my message across like I feel. I wonder, and this is no diss to anybody in particular o, but I wonder if there are sill real men out there. At this point, I pause and go to dictionary.com, just to be sure I know what I am talking about, and discovers that there are over 30 definitions of MAN, so I no go bother to try define wetin man be again. Anyways, I am going to try to describe what I am talking about here. A man is a male, the opposite of a woman, both biologically and otherwise (make sense??!!).

I have issues with men. I have issues with the ones I meet, let me not commit the fallacy if hasty generalization. I don’t understand them or what they want. My greatest desire right now is to be able to read the minds of men, maybe that way I can tell what they are wired of! I mean where do you put a man who is engeged to a woman and they are both preparing for their wedding, suddenly springs up one day and says some other girl is pregnant for him, and it was a mistake it happened in the first place so…So wetin?? Ehn, so make wetin happen?? just like that o, heart don break, supposed happy home in the making don disintegrate. I know at this point some of you would say the (my) problem is where I meet “these” men, but let me be quick to answer you that I meet them in all places o, name it… the office, in the store, at social gatherings, in church, all sorts of places, so I am talking about an average guy on the street now.

I have a number of guy acquaintances in my life right now, and it baffles me to death the way they think. I mean how do you expect a guy asking me out, and trying to win my heart, trying to convince me I am his all in all, ask me if I like kissing and if yes does it turn me on??!! I think that is sick. To the guy now he is being honest abi what?? What message is he trying to pass across to me?! and the funny thing is I was beginning to like the guy o, on that one I rest my case.

The one wey wan kill me die na this guy wey I meet for church o…ok guy, good spoken English, make sense kind of guy from appearances but…make I never judge am yet. We just hit it off cos that day it was an invited guest speaking and she was talking on how to make marriage work. We both are single so we were sharing opinions and all, long and short we turn paddys come dey call each other o. The conversations were really going on well and we were …u kno, nothing o, but make sense conversations… sha 2 weeks into the meeting, na im bros tell me make I come im house on saturday, sleep over make we for go church together on sunday o. I weak. I just bow for the guy, I thought he was joking o, until he started goin on about it, that he is very serious, and can’t he host me??!! Host me??!! Ha,  am asking now o, all you men out there, is that normal?…you meet a girl and two weeks after you met you are asking her to come sleep over already?? Tell me if something no wrong somewhere. Why do men make it difficult for women to trust them?? Why do they make it difficult for ME to trust them? na wa o.

I beg to know what all these is about, I beg to know if there are men that are sincere and don’t have ulterior motives each time they open their mouths to talk to women. Must you sample any woman that comes your way?? believeing that the chick outside is better than the one you are with, truth is, the grass always look greener on the other side but it is not necessarily so. I beg to know if there are guys that want what most women want which is respect, a good home, a dependable spouse, trust, etc??? Are there men that want these things and if yes where are they?? Cos na wetin me I dey find be that, and all the people wey I dey see just dey fall my hand.

10 Months

Its been 10 months!! 10 months of activities, events, all sorts, most of which I haven’t even understood my own innermost thoughts. Months of tired of living with myself  ’cause of lack of understanding and comprehension of who I am.

Its been 10 months the last of which so many things have happened…crazy and beautiful things… ‘would have used the words good and bad but I am of the understanding that things just don’t happen, especially to a child of God. Bad things are good in themselves, we just have to understand the purpose for which they happen and know that all things work together for our good.

In that line I will say some crazy things have happened to me recently that I have needed grace and divine understanding to handle, it hasn’t been easy, not at all. There have been times when I fought God! yes physically,
verbally… quarreled with Him cause things were happening to me that Him and I did not plan together, it just wasn’t adding up. I was heartbroken and it was God who had broken my heart. I struggled with my self, with my faith and everything I believed in, I backslided, I sinned, I went mad, all in the name of lack of understanding.

As much as I wish to write here all the things that have happened in the last 10 months, I will dwell consciously on the positive….the last 10 months have seen me through NYSC, change of jobs…resigned from my former place of work without any plan but gainfully employed right now in a company I love. Took a wonderful trip outside the country to relax when it seemed like things were heating up too much for me , started a business of my own, met wonderful people who are imparting greatly in my life right now. I could go on and on. At this juncture, I am sure you start to wonder what wrong, well that is a story for another day.

As for my absence on my blog, its not like I have not had the urge to write in the last 10 months, write about my hurt, my triumphs, my opinions, my innermost thoughts, but I would have been biased, I would have written wrong things and I don’t want to mislead anyone, ’cause reality is people tend to store in them things they believe are interesting, and interesting things are not necessarily right things.

In all, what I am trying to say is I am back. Back to writing again on my blog, my innermost thoughts…so help me God.

Vengeance

That is a very strong you must say.

The question is have you ever felt the urge to revenge something, it could be a spouse’s cheating on you, a friend’s betrayal and so many more hurtful things done to you. Today I am writing about Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and his Zanu-PF followers. Now there are talks going on about the ruling party Mugabe’s Zanu-PF and the opposition party, Tvsangirai’s MDC party ruling Zimbabwe together. My question is after all the killings and intimidations and beatings and raping and bullying and burning of houses of the MDC party supporters by Mugabe’s militants, what happens? Are they just going to come together like it was meant to be and just rule the people (assuming the peace talk is successful)? Will people ever recover from their past hurts without a need to kill the person that burnt down their house, raped them and killed their brothers or fathers?

How do people get over betrayals and hurts without meting it out back on the person that hurt them? What and how do they feel when they see the the perpetrator? I am asking these questions not because I have never been hurt before but I know that even with the very little hurtful things that people do to me, I have the urge to make them want to feel the same back, so I am wondering how you can forgive the person that killed your brother without planning on how to kill him too.

This post is not a catalyst for people to go about revenging o, its just me thinking aloud, don’t forget its my innermost thoughts you are privileged to read. As I chose this topic, a passage came to my head-Hebrews 10:30 : For we know him that hath said, Vengeance belongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith the Lord. And again, The Lord shall judge his people. Vengeance belongs to God almighty. This is so consoling, for those of us who believe in God, He says that we should not worry, He has our backs. Here are other verses that will console you if you are hurting and dying to have vengeance on the person or people who hurt you, like I will say to my brothers in Zimbabwe.

Deuteronomy 32:35
To me belongeth vengeance and recompence; their foot shall slide in due time: for the day of their calamity is at hand, and the things that shall come upon them make haste.

Jeremiah 51:36
Therefore thus saith the LORD; Behold, I will plead thy cause, and take vengeance for thee; and I will dry up her(those that killed your brothers and raped your land) sea, and make her springs dry.

Romans 12:19
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

Weddings…Marriage

I was at Abeokuta this weekend for a friend’s wedding. It was great. The bride(Fisayo) and I have been friends for years. We were both in spirit of David together in the university, lived in the same house in and smoked garri together when we were both broke. She is a sister. We were together for each other…through good and bad and crazy times. It was one of those crazy times we were discussing about relationships and she was lamenting on how much she wished she had a man in her life. I was done with her whining so I told her to shut up but with a plan in my mind. Days after she received a call from a friend of mine…a guy. He also was looking for a woman to call his! I thought they both deserved themselves so I hooked them up!

Four years later Taiwo the guy took my friend down the Isle and knotted the tie or is tie the knot. I was elated. I was so happy for my friend. For me it was an achievement to have people you match made really get married. I couldn’t help the tears flowing down my face as I looked at my friend’s joyous face on the day of her engagement. She was so glad and now I am sure that no matter what I have done something great in my life I have achieved something in life!

I pray for you my friends Fisayo and Taiwo that this is just the beginning of the great things God has set out to do in your lives. Be blessed and have a wonderful married life.

What’s that?!

What would have become of me?

I had a strange experience last week Wednesday morning and I’ve been contemplating blogging about it. I decided to. As I waited at the bus stop eager and aware that I was late for work I rushed into the next available vehicle to stop at the bus stop. Usually I take buses, but this car came along with 3 passengers in it already, so I struggled with a man to enter the cab and I succeeded. There was a young chap seating in front and a young man and woman seated at the back with me. Along the way the driver asked for his fare and we all paid, the woman was the last person to pay and she gave the driver 50 naira instead of the agreed 60 naira claiming she didn’t have more than that. The driver stopped the car and went to the boot to get her things out of his car. The woman begged and driver came back into the car and continued the journey. As we were going he asked the woman what she has in the carton in the booth, the woman replied saying she has pampers in the boot…meanwhile we were approaching a checkpoint. The driver asked again getting agitated and telling the woman not to play smart on him, when we asked what the problem was, he claimed the woman has a carton of money in his boot and claims its pampers and if not that he went to offload her goods he would not have found out. Considering the checkpoint ahead, he wasn’t finding it funny at all. The guy in front then made a statement-’is money now contraband that a police checkpoint would be an issue’? I responded to the guy’s silly remark saying that with the way the Nigerian Police handle matters, you do not want to know if a carton of dollars is contraband or not and even if money isn’t contraband, it is the right of the driver to know what he is carrying in his car so he can defend it where ever if he has to. As that argument was going on the woman spoke up begging us not to expose her claiming she is a prostitute. At that point my interest was piqued ’cause I have this thing for rehabilitating prostitutes, immediately, I was already formulating possible ways to start a conversation with her. Her story goes thus: “Abeg make una no expoes me, I be prostitute before before but I meet this malam wey tell me say if I leave ‘ashawo’ work im go marry me. I don dey with am now for 3 years but im travel and just come back from Saudi Arabia with some white men. Yesterday im tell me make I go dress im guest room for the  white men and say make I use my body entertain them, say e no matter since na wetin I dey do before. I agree and the white men do me, come say make I do with their dog make them camera me. I gree, na im them give me 500,000 dollars. Abeg make una help me, make una no expose me abeg”…..WHAT’S THAT?!

Omo when I heard that I was angry. I was angry with her for stooping so low to that level and for being dumb enough to expose herself like that in public. I didn’t understand why she was telling us all that and what she meant by “abeg help me” considering that at that point we were no threats to her. When she finished with her story, the driver parked the car and told us to get down that in his village it is a taboo for a man’s eyes to see goodies and his mouth not partake of it! WHAT’S THAT?! I was struggling to understand what he was saying, when the passenger beside me asked what exactly he meant. He replied saying we all should get down that he wants to take the woman where he can drop her safely and take his own share of the money. The man beside me exclaimed saying that was impossible ’cause the driver could harm the lady and take all the money for himself and even if that doesn’t happen we all (passengers) deserve some of the money too ’cause if it was a bomb that was in the car and it exploded, then we all would have died so we are all going with the driver and lady to share the money WHAT’S THAT?!!!!!!! Who made him our decision maker? I couldn’t help laughing out. It was then it all dawned on me. They were a gang looking for either whom to abduct or swindle. At that point I told the driver to pack the car, demanded for my fare that I had payed him already and wished them all the luck in the world sharing the hundreds of thousands of dollars in the boot. Luckily for me and all praises to God they dropped me without any hassles feigning surprise at my decision not to go with them. I was so grateful to God ’cause it could have been another story from the one I am telling now. What if they lock the car doors and spray some gas to make me unconscious and abduct me any way or…I don’t even want to think about it.

Thinking about it now, I am thinking…what if I was greedy enough to want to share some thousands of dollars that I did not even set my eyes on, would it be dollars that was paid to a fellow woman like myself for sleeping with a dog? Jeeeeeezzzz, I have goose bumps on my body just thinking about it sef! I thank God o pips, I really do.

WETIN BE THAT?! JUST LIKE THAT THEM WAN CARRY ME GO SHARE IMAGINARY DOLLARS, I THANK GOD SAY I KNOW GREEDY, I FOR JUST FALL!!!

NUT Strike

Straight from the archives! The result of teachers’ strike!! If it can happen there, it can surely happen here o.

The above picture was sent to my box and is supposed to be a joke. Some days ago, I was watching on channels news, the march of the National Union of Teachers and decided to blog about it. Little did I know that this would be sent to my box. It seems like a joke now and I am laughing out myself but guys its not funny. Its the future of the country that we are  joking about like this o. These kids are at home and every second that passes without them going to school they are loosing vital lessons and are behind their peers in other spheres. Remember the saying that says time lost can never be recovered, these kids are loosing so much.

As much as I hate to admit this I do not even know what the strike is about. I have heard all sorts. All I am saying is please what ever needs to be done, let us do. If they want salary increase then let us increase it. In fact I think teachers should earn the highest in the country, they are the foundation layers of the development of the nation. These are the people that spend most time with the children, much more than the parents if you ask me. They have the responsibility to educate them of and inculcate values that will move the kids far in life so why not pay them in hundreds of thousands? I don’t know of any one who wants to go into the teaching line because of the peanuts the teachers are paid. My mom is a teacher and a lot of times I wonder what would have become of us if we did not have a father, I mean imagine if she is the only one training us, how far would she be able to go with 40,000 per month with 2 children in the university, paying rent and bills, feeding us etc. They really deserve a raise.

What I do not agree with however is all states paying a uniform salary which is one of the things  I heard they are also fighting for. How that is possible I don’t know. I do not think its right though ’cause different states get different revenues, also the cost of living differ per state. One can not compare the cost of living in Lagos, or Port Harcourt to one in Osun or Nasarawa  or even kogi state. That, I do not agree with.

Let us not take this strike lightly, each day that passes without this kids going to school, we are a day backward in the progress of the world. That is how I see it. We have a lot to learn, there are institutes to learn them but there are no teachers…that doesn’t sound right at all. Let us come together to build this nation, let us be more concerned about the education system in Nigeria